Is being a people pleaser ruining your sex life? Short answer- Yes.

 I’m a self-proclaimed people pleaser, but I am in recovery. However, there are still moments when I fall back into my old people-pleasing ways. The feeling goes something like, ‘I need to say yes to ‘X’ otherwise someone will be mad about ‘Y’ or if I don’t say yes to ‘X’ then that means I’m a shit; friend/girlfriend/sister/daughter/colleague, whatever title you’re operating under in said scenario. I wish I was exaggerating but I’m not, the thought of me being an awful person if I didn’t put others before myself, was the driving force behind me doing a lot of things I didn’t want to do.

That, and ‘I should’ don’t get me started on the should. 

“I think we should go out tonight”, every ounce of me doesn’t want to, I’d rather saw off my own foot with a butter knife. But familiar thoughts race through my mind, and I guess they’re right, because “What else are you doing?”. Instead, I’d go, and not have a particularly awful time, but somewhere in my mind, I would keep the score that I didn’t do what I really wanted to do. Over time it became such a habit, that I didn’t know when I slipped into ‘people-pleaser’ mode, and worse, I didn’t even know what it is I wanted for myself at all. So these days, unless I make a conscious effort to catch my brain in the moment and stop and ask myself what I WANT, that little people-pleasing Goblin will creep in through the back door of my mind and shit all over my happiness!

One thing I’ve learned during my people-pleasing recovery phase is that a habit will rarely affect only one area of your life. When I was forced to take a long hard look at my love life, well because, you know, men, it was then I realized just how much the habit of putting others’ needs before my own, had weighed heavy on my sex life. Even as I write this, I feel like it’s so obvious that your sex life would be affected, but I’d never really put two and two together before? 

Unfortunately, my sex life, like many millennial women, read like a long rap sheet of the ‘who’s-who’ of biggest disappointments. There are so many systemic factors to why so many of us have been struggling to get our rocks off  *cough* misogyny *cough* slut shaming *cough* toxic masculinity -I’m side-eyeing all of you. But when thoughts like, ‘if I say no to ‘x’  then that would mean ‘y’, had been the screensaver to my mind throughout my dating life…I’m no expert, but I have a feeling that’s not the route to genuine orgasms. I am not for one second putting the onus on us for having bad sexual experiences (see the above list of who’s to blame). But when the outside world wants to starve us of body autonomy and ultimately our pleasure, the only way to wage war is by putting ourselves first in our own lives! Set boundaries for yourself, and start in the place where you’re most vulnerable.  

When I was in a ‘fear-based’ relationship, that’s what I have to call it because that’s all it was, fear that he wouldn’t call back, fear that he wouldn’t show up, fear that he’d cheat, the list goes on, (many of them not fears but just facts). It would start with the small things, whatever seemed to pop up in the moment was more important than any plan he made with me, and for some weird reason, I went along with it. I wouldn’t challenge him on it, in order to please him and appear chill *gag*. When I felt uncertain in a relationship, the people-pleaser in me activated like never before and I actually became more entrenched in the idea that a committed relationship is something to be earned through not causing a fuss, not having NEEDS? Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride of being emotionally shat all over! Success!! 

I can say that my people-pleasing did not end in success, the goblin only grew bigger, uglier, and sweatier. So much so, that when he turned his phone on to film me mid-sex, I didn’t say anything, even though not one part of me wanted to be filmed at that moment. I wanted to be mad, but I didn’t know who I was madder at? him or ME? Of course, he thought it was fine to not ask if I was ok with it, he’d never asked me anything before! I was the boundaryless cool girl! Nothing phases her. She sits pretty, waits for his call, and doesn’t complain when he screws her over. Looking back, he should have been kicked in the nuts and kicked out, but in the moment, my fear of pleasing him over myself meant I was left feeling angry, confused, and not for one second satisfied. 

Sadly this isn’t an isolated example, I have way too many examples of times I haven’t felt confident enough to assert my boundaries in the bedroom, which all ended up in my body being used as a tool for masturbation rather than an intimate exploration of mutual pleasure. I do have to wonder if I had asserted myself when it comes to sex, how many of these experiences were avoidable?

Though I hope none of you have had to go through this, I sadly know all of you have in different ways and varying degrees. There are so many layers to this, but let’s start by rugby tackling the people-pleasing goblin to the ground with an added kick to the nuts, in the hopes it will leave you feeling so powerful in your own body that pleasure isn’t only expected but it’s commanded. 

Stand in the power that is YOU, in all your gorgeous feminine energy, and not feel bad about it, in the bedroom and beyond…

If that’s ok with you… no worries if not. 

So here are some little tips that I’ve found helpful to stop people-pleasing. I want to stress that I’m not a professional and these tips are no replacement for an amazing therapist who can hold your hand through uncovering some of the things I’ve mentioned.

~Start small. 

And I mean small. No is a complete sentence. So when something comes up in your daily life that you don’t want to do, practice saying no. Just say no three times this week with no explanation, if they ask for one say “that doesn’t work for me right now” or “that doesn’t fit in with my schedule” short-sweet, to the point. You might feel guilty but ultimately the feeling of putting yourself first is sooo much better. Remember you’re not responsible for someone’s overreaction to your boundary. 

~ Learn what it IS you want. 

Get to know your body more, have some serious YOU time, light some candles, give yourself a massage when you’re rubbing in your moisturizer after a bath, anything! Then start to explore what it is you’re really into and be honest with yourself with no judgment. I’ve found journaling helps the most with this. When you learn what feels good to you, it’s so much easier to tell someone else, when you know yourself inside out. 

~ ASK 

If you’re anything like me, asking for anything feels like an impossible task. I like to stay in control and avoid disappointment. So this one takes practice. You’re not meant to know how to please everyone you have sex with right away, you have to learn about someone’s body. Our bodies are all so different and so are our turn-ons! The only way to learn is by asking. Tell your partner what you like before you even get into it, ask what they like, and ask for what you want! There is no sexier feeling than knowing that you want and getting it! So ASK! 

Written by Tara-Emily