Is it Self-Sabotage? or is it a Bad Match?
We all have those obvious fears that we’re aware of; spiders, death, Liz Truss’ weird smile. But there are also the not-so-obvious fears that rule the way we operate, that we don’t know we have until confronted with them. And just to make life extra juicy it’s usually a fear of the things we want the most.
As a general rule, we’re all hard-wired to want to be in a relationship, but a lot of us are petrified of actually being in one and we all act accordingly.
Initially, as a single 30-something, I couldn’t disagree more with that idea, “of course I’m not scared of relationships, I WANT ONE, it’s them, not me!” but the evidence continued to build when faced with relationships that weren’t riddled with red flags and I had to be honest with myself.
The reality of how our life will change after choosing to be with someone is sometimes enough to put us off from getting into a relationship at all. Sometimes the fear of getting your heart broken is enough not to get close to anyone, sometimes the fear of having to show up for someone else when you can barely show up for yourself, sometimes it’s the fear of someone getting close enough to realize you’re not perfect, or sometimes a deep belief that you’re somehow unloveable means that we can’t accept any evidence to suggest otherwise…
Self-sabotage is almost impossible to stop in its tracks because we have no clue that we’re doing it. When our brain switches pilots, and the pilot is fear, the only direction is to steer us onto the path of most familiar.
How do we know how to change direction when familiarity feels so damn comfortable? What’s familiar, isn’t the route to creating new healthier outcomes but it’s a one-way ticket to getting what we’ve always got, until now.
I have definitely self-sabotaged healthy relationships in the past, I was used to relationships being hard, drama-filled, and mostly absent. So when faced with a NEW way of being, the new was too scary, the new was unknown, the new might challenge all my beliefs, and I didn’t know how bad the new will hurt. It’s easier to leave, it’s easier to stay in the dating cycle, and it’s easier to not get too close.
But at the time, I wasn’t aware that was the driving force behind my decisions, at the time it felt like zero chemistry, or they didn't understand me, or our schedules couldn’t align, blah blah blah.
So how can we tell the difference?
How are we supposed to know when it’s self-sabotage that has taken the seat in the cockpit of our minds, or that the relationship is just ready for the bin? Navigating the two feels like being given a map to Mars and a row boat to get there.
But according to my favourite TikTok Therapist (@TherapyJeff), apparently, it can be easy to spot the difference when you know what to look for.
Some examples that you’re self-sabotaging could be, If you’re avoiding conflict with your partner or you’re being mean and critical and pushing them away, or you're putting energy into everything but your relationship, or you’re hyper-focusing on their flaws and imperfections and ignoring the good stuff.
A bad match could be if you're vocalising your issues but you're not able to resolve them or they’re being mean and critical to you, or you're putting energy into the relationship but it’s just not feeling good or getting any better, or you’re not hyper-focused on the bad but the bad is a deal breaker that you couldn’t deal with if they never changed.
So if you find yourself stuck and unsure of your own feelings, a quick cheat code can be that sabotaging comes when you’re ruled by fear, however when you’re in your wise mind not triggered and able to make informed decisions that could help indicate that it’s just time to salute and move on.
Put in the work to discover the difference between the two, because it could be life-changing.
Written by Tara-Emily